Mehhh Feeling and Resolutions.

So yeah right now I am feeling Mehhh. Mostly because I think I'm stressed out because my dad is having a heart catheter tomorrow. I really want to post something on this blog just because I have made a resolution for this year to make a concentrated effort to post more on this.

So with this Mehhh Feeling I decided it was good as anytime to post about resolutions since I usually have a mehhh feeling or a very underwhelming feeling about resolutions.

My resolutions this year, I have tried to make them realistic for me and more achievable. More to entwine with making myself more sane this year. I have ten written done. So here are my ten resolutions that do not make feel mehhh but make me feel excited, awesome, pumped, noteworthy, and successful.

1. Make a concentrate effort to post on my blog at least once a week.

2. Write something everyday, may it be a chapter in my book or poetry

3. Publish my first book by my birthday (december)

4. Save at least $25 every two weeks.

5. Get a tattoo 

6. Lock down a location for my wedding

7. Get my wedding dress

8. Be awesome in some way everyday.

9. Make my son smile and laugh everyday and provide for him

10. Laugh everyday, eat healthier, and become more active by making an assertive effort.

Some of these I do everyday anyways like being awesome and providing for my son but I put them on my resolutions every year so I don't forget and take things for granted. Alright my peeps time for me to sign off.

Keep the thoughts rolling and the laughter going.

V

P.S. If anyone reads my blogs please leave 

a comment. I will reply back.

Free Will

Choices of right and wrong are made everyday

Words either of truth or lies are spoken

Actions to reflect who we are taken every moment

Debates go on inside of each and everyone of us

What makes others so heroic

And others villainous

Is what one perceives

But it is not another's truth

Misconceptions happen

And judgments are made in snapshots

But what more can we do

For we are human

We are not Godly, demonic, or otherworldly

Humanity is a gift

One that I cherish

Because I get to choose each day

I get to speak lies and truth

Make judgments and misconceptions

I cling to my humanity

Like a blanket and a good book

All I know is that

Free will is a guaranteed truth

dark and lonely

My humanity is slipping from my soul

With each breath I breathe

The darkness inside seeks to encompass

Every last corner of my being

The struggling is becoming too much for me

Everyday when I look in the mirror

I hate myself just a little more

I try to smile but find no reason

I barely make it out the door

My light is fading 

With each second of everyday

I find my thoughts traveling down a scary road

One I find myself closer to taking

There is a sliver of a corner

Where the darkness has not taken over

One that still has hope

Is it enough to keep me here

Tethered to an earthly existence

Or will the darkness take over

And I'll find myself 

Venturing down that dark road

This poem above is something I am feeling right now. I am a manic depressive. I have very low times sometimes and one way I try to climb out of that dark hole is writing my feelings down in poetry. I feel that this poem expresses my low manic state perfectly. I find that I do have that one sliver hope when I'm in this place and that leads me to write. I only hope one day that my poetry and writings will happen someone. 

Please leave me comment telling me what you think. 

Cheesburger Taco

So on New Year's Eve my friend and I at work where headed to eat Five Guys. We wanted something greasy and good. Our belief was that a cheeseburger from Five Guys would hit the spot.

What we where not anticipating that our love for Taco's from Tijuana Flats which happens to be in the same building of Five Guys would start a debate of where to eat our lunch. I was more than happy with either choice. I left it to my lovely friend and she was like "I don't know. Cheeseburger or Tacos!" My response was why can't they make a Cheeseburger Taco. We thought just thought this was brilliant.We decided to go to Tijuana Flats and get our Tacos or in my case tostados on.

What a delicious lunch it was none the less. It wasn't until I got home and started to think about this Cheeseburger Taco Idea that I realized that is what a Taco really is. Ground beef, lettuce, tomato, and cheese...Wow my mind was blown. I was like sun of a beach that was one lucky person that turned a cheeseburger into a taco.

The next time that you want a taco or cheeseburger just remember that they are one and the same.

Laters

Silently debating

I sit and stare ever so quietly
As all my thoughts wrestle
Around inside my head
The darker more sinister thoughts
Keep pushing to the fore front
I feel the dark energy seep down
Out of mind and down my face
Entering into my eyes
Impulses radiate down my body
And all I really want is
To sit and stare quietly

But my body is tensing and fighting

Trying not to let the thoughts win

One last good thought in my head 

Is pushing forward 

Sending a silent plea

To up above at an unseen entity

God please help me

Echoes in my head

And a peacefulness encompasses me

From head to toe

And I sit quietly and stare
For one more night 

A smile...

There are so many smiles that cross my face on any given day. There's my little smirk if I find something funny but not so funny it deserves a laugh. My fake smile to cover up some of the darkness that tries to seep in my soul. My a little smile without teeth, my smile with a nod, my smile that quickly disappears.

But my one true smile that says a thousand things at once. The smile that always gets compliments, and lights up a room is so rare that sometimes I forget what it even feels like or looks like.The smile that I know appeared on my face the day my son was born and placed in my arms. The smile I reserve for him and his silliness. The smile I know I had for a little while when I was a kid but soon started to disappear with the harsh realities of life handed to me at a very young age.

I miss that smile so much sometimes. It is like loosing your very dearest and oldest friend. It is so much a part of me but yet so far away. I want to find that smile and have glued on to my face everyday, so that everyone knows I am truly happy and love life.

The sad fact is the smile I wear most of the time, even though it is a great smile, is one that helps hide my pain but shares in your joys. The one I share with you to make you reassured you are great, and that I like you. A smile that conveys how your friendship help heals me and how much I adore the time I spend with you.

Please don't be afraid. I know I will find my one great true smile from when I was kid and recapture it just like I did the day my son was born. My journey to this smile is a healing and wonderful one to gain back my best asset.

If you are my friend, I know you will help me find it. The moment you see it, let me know. Jot down what I was doing how my face was lit up from the inside.

Sleeping Love

Your words whispered in the dark
Is the balm to my damage heart
I lay there pretending sleep
Listening, hearing, and cultivating each words meaning 
The caresses and gentle touches bestowed upon me 
Lights the fire within my soul 
The Kiss you lay upon my head 
With the soft I love you 
Evokes a sigh from my lips 
A sigh you take as contentment in my sleep 
I feel you breathing even out as you fall asleep 
I grab your hand 
I open my eyes 
I love you as well I say softly 
As I look upon your sleeping face 
My thumb caresses your cheek 
I lean down and brush my lips softly against yours 
Please never leave I whisper